knock on wood

18 October, 2024 — Leave a comment

From the vault. Written in October 2022.
Based on a true story.

She had worked late and spent most of her Saturday trying to recover from the burden of doing overtime five times a week. She was highly ambitious, but very simple at heart, and content with as little as buying herself a new book, and something tasty for dinner. Even though she had never been to that particular library, making it hard to feel completely at home and familiar with the surroundings, the weather was nice and her spirits were high.

She made her way through the shelves until spotting titles about feminism. His eyes had been following her since the moment that she walked in. His poor eyesight made it difficult to see what books she was looking at, but he could take a fair guess, he supposed. There’s very little you can learn about someone from the books they look at, but most of the magic of sitting in a bookshop is the belief that you can. She looked pretty — but the world is filled with pretty girls. She also looked strong, or so he thought, and he wondered if that was because of the books he assumed she was looking at. He could see her profile and the way the tip of her nose made her eyeliner look sharper — or was it the other way round? 

He was an anxious guy with an inclination to FOBO — Fear Of The Better Option. Having wasted too much time overthinking all of his decisions, he developed the habit of outsourcing everything to the universe; instead of placing on himself the burden of thinking about anything at all, he would just write all the conceivable options on paper, and then follow the instructions of the one he picked with his eyes closed. It didn’t always seem right, but he was committed to this system. He took the small block of purple post-its inside his pockets and, staring at the tip of her nose from afar, wrote down all of the things he could do at that moment. He could go up to the girl and introduce himself, or ask about the book that she was reading, or wait by the door until she was about to leave, or wait by the cashier and join the payment line at the same time as her. He folded them neatly, to make sure he wouldn’t be able to tell them apart just by looking, and tossed them inside his pocket. 

After taking a deep breath and saying a prayer, he was ready to find out what would come next, so he closed his eyes. It was only for a second, just enough time to draw the results but, somehow, she was already gone when he opened them again. Being stared at made her very nervous. She fled the building, without the book, and went out to find a vegetarian bowl she could have for dinner. He stood up to see if he could catch her but he wasn’t sure that was the best option at the moment. Before he wrote a new set of possible pathways on his little purple post-its, she was already sitting and waiting for her order, thinking about the book she didn’t take and about the guy she didn’t speak to. On the way home, he played with the little fateful folded papers inside his pockets until the sweat and oil from his hands began to melt them away. They won’t ever see each other again.

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash.

chaos of inter-disciplines

22 September, 2024 — Leave a comment

This short essay was written on 12 January 2024, when I was in Linz, Austria, as a student of the IT:U x Ars Electronica Founding Lab. It was a contribution to the book “Starting a University”, recently released during the Ars Electronica Festival 2024. Student essays ended up not making the final cut of the book, but I liked this piece, so I decided to share it. There are no specific citations but I will list at the end the main references I employed as I wrote this. Special thanks to my trusted editor Ashley Chong for reviewing it before submission.

Inattentive watchers (and dishonest ones alike) can be quick to dismiss “interdisciplinarity” as a trendy buzzword that embellishes hefty grant proposals. The history of the creation of knowledge shows a different scenario — several disciplines, if not most of them, have started out of interstitiality1, some space in-between different practices of their time, which was slowly revealed as a site of difference, until boundaries were agreed upon. Nevertheless, this doesn’t mean that there aren’t semantic traps along the way. Interdisciplinarity, much like words such as “citizenship” or “freedom,” holds a type of universalist appeal, with enough multivalence and ambiguity to serve different purposes, according to the person who employs it, and wields it. These divergences are natural and expected, but they can also make or break a team’s ability to move forward together.

The Founding Lab, as a moment in time, and as an ongoing process, has been both a site of exploration, discovery and change, as well as the source of the type of reflection which separates things that ought to be reshaped from things that are better off nurtured as they are. Even though, as I write this, we still have a lot left to do before we wrap up the activities, I can already describe several important personal gains. In addition to joining a global network of innovative thinking, it has been the catalyst of decisive transformation in my process of transitioning fields as a graduate student. Thanks to this space, I was encouraged to dive deeper into the methodological questions that still challenge my ability to go beyond the thinking patterns of Architecture, to discover my place as a sociologist. On a higher level, the process of constant exchange with peers from both similar and different disciplinary backgrounds has been enlightening. It serves as a reminder that the boundaries defining disciplines aren’t as clear-cut as we might wish, and no field is entirely coherent or uniform. 

Experience tells us that there are productive ways of collaboration that don’t necessarily entail what interdisciplinarity tries to do, which is bringing about innovative epistemic change by associating, contrasting and integrating different elements from disciplines and practices. This is why “interdisciplinarity” can be so easily reduced to a set of performative displays of pluralism that don’t accomplish the tasks that require new ways of thinking about problems. So, for this new university to live out its purpose, it is paramount that, as the years go by, the image of interdisciplinarity by which its members and associates are possessed is always conducive to collaboration that isn’t just for show. This involves cultivating values, skills, and a culture of asking the difficult questions, and pursuing the realisation of their equally difficult answers.

My biggest hope for IT:U is for it to become a community of knowledge whose members and associates are brimming with the willingness to do complicated things, of which the hardest might be approaching a new field with openness, understanding, and, most importantly, patience. These skills are far from being merely social, but they are, indeed, crucial as rhetorical devices in articulating relationships in cross-disciplinary settings. They are the requirements which ensure that disciplinary interactive processes will be mindful of the time and energy that it takes for one side to understand enough of the other in a way that teaches the different parties to see the world through different eyes. Several boundaries between disciplines are blurry formalities that serve organisational purposes. Still, they signal implications that are deeply entrenched into practitioners. Entrenchment poses big challenges to constructive collaborations, but this is precisely why professors, students and staff at IT:U ought to be aligned in attitude, informed by the image of interdisciplinarity by which they abide, and what goals our collaborative efforts are expected to amount to. 

One of the biggest takeaways from the spaces we constructed during the Founding Lab is to not skip talk and confrontation when necessary, before sketching out any plan of action. Interdisciplinarity isn’t for everyone, just as performance arts or quantum physics aren’t for everyone. So, for those who are up for the task, those who will choose IT:U as the setting for their undertakings, the rewards will be contingent upon their awareness of their position, in relation to peers and to other disciplines, and the field of the production of knowledge as a whole. And this awareness is more than something cultivated on the individual level – it has to be a collective construction, which also responds to the collective’s ability to accommodate differences, and, most importantly, separate the things that ought to be reshaped from the things that are better off nurtured as they are.

[1] The word “interstitiality,” and most of the argument made in the first paragraph, came from Andrew Abbott’s “Chaos of Disciplines.” The featured image on this post also comes from the cover of the book, the 8-circled cross from the “Book of Kells.”

Abbott, Andrew. Chaos of disciplines. University of Chicago Press, 2010.
Abbott, Andrew. “Things of boundaries.” Social research (1995): 857-882.
Brint, Steven G., ed. The future of the city of intellect: The changing American university. Stanford University Press, 2002.
Fuller, Steve. Social epistemology. Indiana University Press, 2002.
Lamont, Michèle, and Virág Molnár. “The study of boundaries in the social sciences.” Annual review of sociology 28, no. 1 (2002): 167-195.

ouro de tolo [um feliz aniversário]

25 April, 2024 — 1 Comment

[do fundo do baú — english version here]

Querida A.,

É seu aniversário, e eu já te conheço há quase uma estação inteira. O fim da Primavera te trouxe para mim, e eu me deixei levar por você junto com a chuva das monções. Meu humor azeda com os dias quentes e úmidos, mas eu reconheço o charme vibrante do Verão, aquilo sobre o que falam os poetas, quando escrevem sobre ser jovem e estar apaixonado.

Mas nós dois não somos exatamente jovens, né? E graças a Deus, porque tem graça mesmo. Não vivemos o bastante ainda pra dizer que somos velhos, mas já vivemos o suficiente para navegar com alguma habilidade as coisas que nos agonizavam quando éramos inocentes. Crescer é jogar dados com o tempo, perder-se um pouco tentando descobrir como é possível que às vezes ele voe, e que às vezes ele se arraste, sempre contrário às nossas vontades, ao que sentimos no momento em que tomamos consciência de que ele está passando. Será que é possível superar o drama e o estranhamento de se descobrir existindo, existente?

Talvez o problema seja que nossa imaginação da vida foi moldada pela narratividade dos filmes, de como a vida deveria ser. Queda, crise, paixão, desespero, fome, tudo sempre parece mais interessante pela lente cinematográfica, onde os corações, aspirações e expectativas só se quebram enquanto a história está sendo contada. Talvez tenha algo a ver com a possibilidade de pular partes, ou desligar a TV quando se quer. Mas, por mais que eu odeie viver com o desconforto de passar pelas coisas que soam melhores na minha imaginação, ou nos textos que eu escreveria a respeito, meu senso de encantamento com a vida me faz flutuar um pouquinho toda vez em que penso demais sobre todas as improbabilidades que trabalham juntas para tecer a realidade, do jeito que ela é.

Sentimentos, tão efêmeros, tão fugazes, tem uma beleza singular, na forma como nascem e florescem. Eu poderia escrever centenas de textos para tentar organizar meu pensamentos, e descobrir o que exatamente faz com que eu queira conversar com você todos os dias, desde a primeira vez em que conversei com você. Talvez porque seja seu aniversário, e eu queira muito que você saiba como me faz feliz pensar em você, e todas as coisas pequenas que nós fazemos juntos, e nossas conversas meio estúpidas, as voltas que damos em torno de milhares de assuntos diferentes, sem propósito ou destino, só porque é tão bom ter algo para dizer, e ter alguém que queira escutar.

Eu tenho certeza que existe beleza e glória nos menores grãos de poeira, mas também estou convencido de que existe algo de mais valioso escondido nas partes desconhecidas, nas profundezas inexploradas, nos lugares para onde vão as coisas que nosso corpo, mente e coração não conseguem compreender. Quero encontrar esses tesouros com você. É um clichê falar da alegria das coisas pequenas, mas acho que essa é a esperança que me mantém seguindo em frente, que me mantém sensível à todas as menores coisas que vem ao meu encontro, oscilando entre altos e baixos apenas para ter certeza de que já passei por todos os limites de mim mesmo. É cansativo, mas é esse movimento que nos fez quem somos; eu sou várias coisas, algumas são melhores que outras, mas todas se reúnem aqui hoje para tentar te dizer que eu me importo imensamente com você, e sou muito grato por todas as improbabilidades que tecem a realidade, e teceram eu e você aqui hoje. 

Talvez seja muita sorte, talvez seja destino. Talvez Annie Ernaux estivesse certa, e é uma forma de luxo, viver uma paixão por outra pessoa. Talvez um dia nós descobriremos que foi um erro enorme, que não conseguimos prever. Dizem que são necessárias pelo menos quatro estações para começar a conhecer uma pessoa; esse Verão vai passar em breve, assim como todos os Verões que vieram antes, e vai chegar o tempo de que as folhas caiam novamente. Mas, agora, o Sol continua queimando, e nossa pele dourada está mais brilhante do que nunca. Você não sorri com frequência, mas gosto como você é capaz de iluminar o ambiente quando o faz. Gosto de queimar e reluzir ao Sol com você. Talvez seja um ouro de tolo, mas é um tesouro só nosso.

Desejo que você seja feliz por muito tempo. E que seja feliz comigo.

Feliz aniversário para você. 

J.

we are golden [a birthday wish]

25 April, 2024 — 1 Comment

[from my vault — versão em português aqui]

Dear A.,

It is your birthday, and I have known you for almost an entire season. The end of Spring brought you to me, and I caught myself falling for you as the days got longer and the weather changed into unbearable heat. I am miserable when it is hot and humid, but I can’t deny that there is something vibrant about Summer, the thing that makes it so attractive to writers of songs, movies and TV shows, when they want to talk about young love.

The two of us, however, are not that young anymore (thank goodness). I say it with a smile and a giggle because we have not lived for long enough to call ourselves old by any measure, but we have lived long enough to have trespassed many of the things that weighed us down when we were innocent. Becoming an adult is playing games with time, figuring out how it is possible that sometimes it flies, and sometimes it drags, always against our wishes, always against how we feel about the things that we are experiencing at a certain point. How do we get over how strange it is to exist, to be anything at all?

Perhaps the problem is that our imagination is completely infected with movie-like scenarios of what the movements of life should look like. Fall, crisis, passion, despair and hunger are always more interesting through cinematographic lenses, where the hearts, aspirations and expectations needn’t be broken, only shattered for a minute, for as long as the scene lasts. Maybe it has something to do with the possibility of skipping parts or turning off the screen. But, as much as I hate sitting with the discomfort of living through things I would rather observe and write about, my sense of wonder keeps me on the verge of transcendence whenever I think too much about the assortment of improbabilities that have come together to weave the fabric of our reality as it is.

Feelings, for all their fleetingness, are something beautiful in how they come to exist. I could write hundreds of journal entries to put my thoughts into place, and figure out what makes me want to talk to you every single day since the day I talked to you for the first time. Since it’s your birthday, I wanted to put into words the rush of joy that I get when I think about you, and the little moments we get to spend together, doing our silly little tasks and jumping through an assortment of random topics, for no other reason besides the fun of sharing ideas with someone who is eager to hear them, and respond.

I am assured that there is beauty and glory in the slightest grain of dust, but I am also convinced that something more valuable is hiding in the parts still unknown, in the unexplored depths, the place where all the things our body, mind and heart cannot understand go. I want to find these treasures with you. It is a cliché to talk about the small but certain happiness, but I cannot help it. And maybe this is the hope that I entertain, when I keep myself sensitive to all of the smallest things that come my way, oscillating between highs and lows just to make sure that I have truly met the limits of myself. It is tiring, but it’s movement that has made us who we are; I am a lot of things, some are better than others, but all of them have come together today to try to tell you that I care immensely about you, and I am glad the assortment of improbabilities that make up reality have come together to bring us together.

Maybe it is crazy luck, maybe it is fate. Maybe Annie Ernaux was right, and it is a form of luxury, to live out a passion for another person. Maybe one day we will realise it was a mishap that we should have foreseen. They say it takes all four seasons to start to get to know someone; this Summer, too, will pass, like all Summers did before, the leaves will turn yellow and begin to fall. But, right now, the Sun is still hot and burning, and our honey skin is glimmering, brighter than ever. You don’t smile often but I like the way you light up when you do. I like the way we glow under the clear day sky, when the monsoon is gone. Maybe being golden together is our treasure.

Please, be happy for a long time. And let’s do it together, for as long as we can.

Happy Birthday to you, from me.

J.

Photo by Lucas K on Unsplash

like a polaroid

15 December, 2023 — Leave a comment

I have never hated writing as much as I do these days. I have also never written as much as I have, these days.

Since the end of August, I have started, sketched, completed, abandoned, more than 20 different essays. Most of them will never leave my drafts. Journal entries on Notion, there have been at least 50, without counting my research journal pages, which have been a surprisingly useful outlet these days. There are also over 50 notes on my phone’s Notes app, almost daily random thoughts I write on the Whatsapp group chat with myself, and, lastly, my extensive collection of paper journals, planners and notebooks, and the 9 new ones I purchased within this timeframe. Not to mention the things that never see the outsides of my brain; every single day, I sit in the dark and I write in my mind until everything gets blurry and I fall asleep.

My writings are the shape of my thoughts — according to the season, my most common literary genre will take over my cognitive networks. When I was younger, I saw the world in tales — of fairies, of magical worlds, of mystery and imagination. During my most-active seasons on the internet, I only thought in the shape of tweets; then, there was the phase of inspiring Instagram captions. One of the reasons I gave up poetry was because strophes and certain ways of speaking vaguely (and concisely) stopped making sense in my head. And now, or at least for a while, for a few years now, I have been thinking through essays and papers. I talk to myself by crafting hypothetical long-ass texts that I will never write down. And, even when it’s just me and my mind, my essayist voice is clear and well-positioned to speak to a general, speculative reader, causing me to employ words and construct trains of thought that never mention hard details by name and avoid the heart of the matter that I am at odds with.

It’s as if my consciousness can’t help but sounds ambiguous and act evasive, even when there’s no one there to judge what we have to say. And so, the conversations with myself have become unproductive, in the usual fashion of scientific writings that are full of intricate ways of not really stating something if it sounds like it’s too much. But it’s also worse than that — everything that I write seems terrible to me, by all standards. My academic papers look dull and uninteresting, regardless of what others say. Everything I’ve tried to write for my blogs has sucked, and what did end up getting posted did so under the guise of not missing out on the duty of keeping records of things. In the past, I’ve described writing as mapping out the land and following the lead towards the treasure of the good life (I was very young). At some point, I understood it more like “maze-running” through my mind. Nowadays, I feel like the struggle I’m trying to address with all of this writing is more akin to a labyrinth; no turn is really a dead-end, and reaching the centre is an inevitability, as much as eventually making all the way back, and starting over.

This account may sound positive and almost hopeful, but, right now, it feels tiresome and monotonous as hell. Perhaps this is the reason why I write journal entry after journal entry and I am completely bored of every single one of them — the truth is that having and handling my broken heart are the things I have done the most, as a writer. My fears, my anxieties, none of it is new to me, there is no fresh revelation to make me feel like there is anything worth finding inside when I sit down to write. Unsurprisingly, my brightest moments of clarity lately have come in the shape of confessional text messages I shared with my friends, in our silly little group chats, in between the dozens of things I am supposed to do throughout the day. Writing is, at the core, a very lonely job, and, as a writer, there are worse things you can do than getting out of your head once in a while, not just to go for a walk to stretch the legs and wander around, in typical flaneurian fashion, but to listen to someone else, and give yourself a bit less credit.

At the same time, I’m convinced this isn’t quite the right answer to my current crisis, but I must admit that the correct way out is something that I don’t feel ready to come to terms with. I realised recently that I am terrified of silence. Like an unsettling stranger, someone I don’t know well enough to be comfortable standing in its presence, and who I would never willingly choose to spend any amount of time with. This complicated relationship did not seem as bad as my description sounds now, not until very recently, because I could cut myself some slack by speculating that I would be ok with being silent, until I realised I could not recall the last time I had withstood it, by any measure. It sounds pathetic, which is exactly how I felt when it clocked that, even when I shut my mouth, my brain never shuts up. I have seldom experienced the joy of leaving myself alone.

I am not suggesting that the answer is stopping writing altogether, because, even if I could spend a week or a month without putting words together on paper, I highly doubt that it would be enough to make my brains calm down and leave me be. Like many other times in my life, I have to come to terms with having a problem that cannot be solved, easily or at all, and sitting with the discomfort, tossing and turning without leaving the bed before the dawn. I am restless and I have realised that there is no way of rationalising myself into being at ease, at least not for now, as I grapple with this dramatic identity crisis, and this unexpected, unplanned season, and all the things I am trying to reconcile. Right now, the air feels too cold, my fingers are freezing, my stomach is churning, everything tastes like nausea, my head hurts and time is dragging, moving very slowly, but also so fast, and there is not enough of it for me to do everything that I should do. I feel dizzy and confused and I want to go home, but I can’t, so I won’t. I will stay in, I will haul myself down the end of this day, finish my tasks a lot later than planned, and hope that tomorrow won’t feel this heavy.

This text was meant to be a short entry, a personal challenge to post something that needn’t be a long, comprehensive exploration of all different aspects I have personally considered when thinking about a certain topic, presented in a way that highlights how everything is somehow interconnected, and the absolute historical contingency of facts is the only sure thing in the grand scheme of networks of happenings. I saw this little sentence that Matt Healy said on an interview with the Pitchfork, about The 1975’s 2022 album “Being Funny in a Foreign Language”:

Every record I’ve made, I convinced myself that I had so much to prove, so it had to be about everything that ever happened, everything that’s happening now, and everything that could ever happen,” […] “But on this record, I said, ‘Instead of a magnum opus, what about more like a polaroid?’”

I don’t think this is exactly the format I had in mind when I took this sentence very personally and decided that I, too, should stop trying to prove something to myself & other imaginary someones and just post anything, like I used to, in the past. I don’t think this text here is quite the polaroid yet; to be honest, I would have much preferred to start with an insightful exploration of what the metaphor could mean if we actually took the polaroid more seriously than Matty probably did when he said that. Nevertheless, this is what I had to say, I did it, and this is the best I can do about everything else today.

Additionally, I would like to share that I recently started a simple blog with my friend and labmate Dahyun Ryu, about our research thoughts and theoretical reflections. It’s called sappy sallows and you can access it here. I’ve also added it to the top menu so it’s pretty serious!

Photo by Izzy Gerosa on Unsplash

no filter

24 September, 2023 — Leave a comment

“How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live! Methinks that the moment my legs begin to move, my thoughts begin to flow, as if I had given vent to the stream at the lower end and consequently new fountains flowed into it at the upper. A thousand rills which have their rise in the sources of thought burst forth and fertilize my brain. You need to increase the draught below, as the owners of meadows on Concord River say of the Billerica Dam. Only while we are in action is the circulation perfect. The writing which consists with habitual sitting is mechanical, wooden, dull to read.” Thoreau’s Journal: 19-Aug-1851

This blog was created in 2011, the month I turned 16 — 24 March 2011, exactly 12 years and 6 months ago, as I write this piece. I was an aspiring illustrator for most of my childhood, but I slowly came to enjoy writing because I liked reading. And I liked reading because I liked wondering, always did, the particular type of thrill that you get out of the potential of spiralling that comes with every move of the freedom of the mind, it has always been a personal favourite. Perhaps because I felt so restrained growing up? I had very little room to exercise the liberties of being myself, except in my head (and then on the internet). Blaming over-controlling parents is the easy way out; deep inside, I think that my mum and dad believed that I could not be trusted with a private world, because I didn’t seem like a child who could be trusted with becoming the person they thought I should be, with the values they thought I should champion.

On the outside, I was a smart, hardworking and polite young girl, but I was disgustingly curious, annoyingly talkative, visibly proud and extremely greedy. I was happy to be rewarded by the systematic benefits of being me, but just as prone to flipping the table and voicing out ambiguous thoughts. I wanted to be respected really badly. I was very selfish, and I had to be intentionally taught to share my things, to think twice, to control the imp of the perverse and be kind, and to love my family. I gave authorities the benefit of doubt and I was the favourite student in every class, but I learned to take it away easily, and provoke conflict where it was due — I remember having discussions with my Bible school teachers as early as 7 years of age. I have clear memories of being asked invasive questions about my inner thoughts, since I was young, both by parents and church leaders. Those who paid attention to what I was saying knew that I was a problem to solve, because I longed for a life of adventures and discoveries that were not aligned with the lifestyle I was expected to cultivate. Unsurprisingly, I was bad at bonding with other kids, to my absolute horror, because I was taught by my favourite TV shows that no amount of hard work matters if you don’t have friends.

The saving grace was that I am, and I have always been, extremely sensitive. At some point of my teenage years, I realised that this was the reason I had developed a sense of empathy and understanding towards others, and a reasonable idea of the type of person I wanted to become. Life had its ways of teaching me about what it meant to have a humble, loving heart. Still, even into my late teens, many horrors persisted. I felt really misunderstood in my curiosity, and the things that I liked, but nothing hurt more than being misunderstood in my sensitivity, especially when I cried. It was not something I could control, but it made people question everything else about me. The thing I hated the most (maybe I still do) was being treated as someone less intelligent due to my sensitivity. The silver living was realising that, when I was open about my struggles, I could form bonds with others, even those with whom I had previously found nothing in common to talk about. Oversharing helped me navigate the struggle of making myself understood, of showing my parents and leaders that there was nothing to worry about, that I wasn’t hiding anything serious. It’s not that hard to understand why — nothing speaks louder, to a believer, than the act of confession; admitting to my faults in a loud voice was the way to convince other of my radical commitment to being truthful. Crying all the time without shame made people question my intelligence, but it never made them question my honesty. And that sounded like a good start.

Becoming a writer gave me power over my thoughts and feelings. The stories I read enabled the freedom to imagine the life that I wanted to live; writing my own gave me full control over the fate of characters that represented different sides of me. Multiple novels were started, but never finished; I lacked the interest to go until the end because, at some point, I would realised I was only writing to make sense of something, not to complete the story. This blog was born out of the need to keep track of what I was doing, and it proved to be the right venue to put out shorter projects, and experience people’s responses to my thoughts and feelings; my poems and short stories articulated the difficult things about how my brain worked. The obsession with details and figuring out how they related to the full picture of things I wanted to understand, the appeal of darkness, the unresolved ambiguity of joy, my simultaneous distrust of and longing for peace.

Making things absurdly clear, even through fiction, was the easiest way out of the constant state of fear that, over the years, accumulated into generalised anxiety. The first miracle was to find out that others felt the same; experiencing that sort of feedback was the closest I had ever been to hope that the struggle of living inside my head could amount to something else, other than stress and late night fights about my inability to come out of my shell and experience the world like the normal person I was supposed to be. Of the many horrible memories I keep, I remember the terrifying, pressing threat of silence. Nothing scares me more than the fear that I cannot chill because, if I don’t always look closely enough, I will blink and miss out on how things are quietly aligning to bring about chaos. And there is so much chaos, there is so much drama, it seems to follow me wherever I go, and I don’t know if it’s just bad luck, or if I’m the bad luck myself.

Moving towards essays was a result of the process of moving away from fiction and closer to non-fiction — which, in turn, was a result of the process of moving out of my own shell, and starting to experience the world for myself. To each their own, but, all things considered, I have learned to find real life more appealing than the world of imagination, even when things don’t go as well as I would have plotted them to. Surprisingly, I still read as much poetry as I did before, but I don’t remember the last time I felt comfortable articulating something in a verse form. Maybe because poetry thrives on the things that are left unsaid in-between, and I am desperate to elucidate every single thought that’s plaguing me right now. This is a season, I am sure, but it’s the one in which we have been, for a few years now, overthinking things in their raw state, regurgitating and then taking them in again, exactly as they came. It’s disgusting, and it might not end anytime soon. It surprises me how easily I used to wrap ideas up in a few paragraphs, and now I cannot do without a handful of very long ones, too much contained in each sentence, way too personal not to be uncomfortable unless I make a conscious effort to sound less burdensome.

Why do I do it, then? I mean writing as I do it these days. The second miracle is love; in spite of all the misery, my life is overflowing with love, from all the people in my life who have witnessed the mess of me, every single thing about me which is not likeable, every vulnerability that makes me an easy target to be deemed unloveable. This is where I stand right now, because I am not particularly fond of this season; if I’m being very honest (which I usually am), I don’t publish as much as I used to nowadays because I don’t feel as okay with my unfiltered thoughts, not as I used to. I ran out of some of the brave attitude of writing down things before I had made total sense of the best way to put them out, the right way they made sense together; I hate rereading something and realising I could have said something better if I had waited as little as a day, or a few hours, before deciding to put it out for everyone to read. Not that a lot of people read it, but I like the praise of having said the right thing, and it takes a lot of thought to say even a small thing that could sound right to someone.

This piece started as a simple journal entry to think away the things I was overthinking after my weekly therapy session. I journal three to four times a day these days, and I am writing so much because I am hurting so bad, I lose sleep and I waste precious mental space overthinking every decision and incident that has led me to this moment, and writing the mess down is the only thing that helps. I am thinking about the reasons why I do the things I do, the reasons why I became the person I am, and there are so many other things that I could have said to make this entry make better sense, there are so many sentences that can come across the wrong way if someone is willing to misunderstand what I’m trying to say, and this is precisely the side of me that I hate the most these days — the confusing, verbose, messy, disorganised person that I am without a filter. Like a thunderstorm. One of the biggest illusions I had back when I was just an imaginative child was that, as an adult, I would simply know who I was, once I had the freedom of experimenting more to figure it out. I am not that old, but it’s safe to say that the process has not been as enlightening as I wish it had, at 28 years of age, but I have a lot to be grateful to my habit of registering everything in written form.

When I look back, I experience the anguish of realising I still haven’t moved on from some of the same issues that have been plaguing my stubborn little head. The inner child, the melancholic teenager, the anxious adult, they are all one and the same, every difference between one and the other just makes it more obvious that they all stem from the same self. I think of Henry David Thoreau’s words, that some of us were not born to be forced; I wonder if things would have been easier if I had not been so resolved to breathe after my own fashion. My biggest crime, since I was just a child, has always been the imp of disobedience; for the most of it, I am at peace with being unwise, if that’s the price I pay for doing what I want, what I feel like I can afford doing. And I am still terrified of myself most of the time, because of the losses that come with every choice, because most of them do not seem worth the risk, but I still push some buttons and go for the ride. And then I cry about what’s been lost, I cry myself to sleep, but I will do it again.

If my love for making sense of the details that make up History has taught me anything, it’s that there is no amount of past that could ever convince us not to make the same mistakes when experiencing the world for the first and only time, at every single moment of our life. And it is not that I am making a joke out of God’s Grace, but it’s only that I have seen enough of the world to be assured that there is more than one righteous way of walking down the path of Truth, and I must find the one that’s meant for me. I am nothing but the unreliable narrator of this unfiltered account of a stream of thoughts that might, or might not, go well with the rest of the story that I will not stop telling, not until I’ve figured out the one thing I can’t stop thinking about: how to stop thinking, and go to sleep.

Photo by Florian Klauer on Unsplash

How to be a Founder — Speech @ Ars Electronica Founding Lab Day, 6 Sep 2023.

6 September, 2023 — Leave a comment

This speech was presented as part of the Founding Lab Forum of Ars Electronica 2023. As one of the students of the Founding Lab Summer School, a partnership between IT:U and Ars Electronica, I joined the Conference Task Force. We were in charge of preparing a keynote speech for the conference day, to introduce the students and our own vision for the University of the Future. I was given the opportunity to talk about our values. You can watch the full session on YouTube, my part is between 15:12 and 22:34. Special thanks to all the friends from the Conference Task Force.

The text of the speech was slightly edited for a prose format.

For the last two weeks, at the Founding Lab, we have spent all of our time together, sitting through lectures and working and discussing in the workshop rooms with our facilitators and workshop hosts, or just having meals, having a drink, catching the tram, going back to the dorm, walking through Linz. I must say that, when I got here, I was a bit insecure about how much I could really contribute. But, as the days went by, we shared about ourselves and our experiences, our journey and the things that have gone well and the things that have gone wrong, what excites us about what’s coming, but also what frustrates us. And I slowly realised I did have something to add.

Maybe my sampling is biassed, but it seems like many of us came here with the desire to look for insight into what we should do next. I certainly did. We are all adults of a certain age, with so much to learn, but some of us are still coming to the realisation that the uncertainty of life doesn’t end with your teenage years. What we all have in common is that we are people who have chosen to stay in-between the imaginary boundaries of what our practices should be. And this sounds beautiful, but it’s complicated in practice, particularly for the Digital Sciences. They are collaborative by nature, they cannot be sustained on the shoulders of individual efforts, they are born collective, not just inter, trans or cross-disciplinarian, but post-disciplinarian.

I have been a church leader for many years. One useful thing I’ve learned from the religious context is that we should always be thinking about the intentions, motivations and values at the root of the things that we do. And I’m talking about affections and intimate beliefs, what drives us, what kind of inner world we are cultivating in our own journey. The starting point of the things that we do, and making sure that they are coherent with the outcomes we want to see. I care a lot about the practicalities of the work, but I wanted to give a speech about the type of heart and mind that you should have, if you want to be a part of the people who will build the future of which we are dreaming, right now. Shaking the structures of a world that thrives on exclusion and exploitation, to build our post-disciplinary table, where everyone gets a seat and a say in the conversation, with justice, equality, accessibility, care.

But, I have got to be honest. Recently, I had to admit to myself that I am still not as understanding, open and reasonable with differences, not as I thought I was. Of course, I am not talking about tolerating differences that threaten the core values of the university that we want to help bring forth. I’m talking about the things that we bring to the table when we take our seat — the way we talk to and about others, our beliefs about life and work, priorities, methodologies, manners, facilities, equipment, skills, vision, willingness, hard work, funding. I study Social Sciences in an Engineering school, which is just as hard as it sounds, and I am constantly challenged by my peers, because I still have a bunch of hierarchies in my head, about the ways of living and working that are good and valid, and the ones that are not. Maybe some of you relate to what I’m saying, but I hope that there are more of you who can teach something about the type of respect, compassion and flexibility we should have to meet others exactly where they are, for who they are, and do something together.

The bottom line is that we want to work not just for personal gain, but to bring about change. The frustrations and limitations are multiple, there are so many things that we aren’t happy about, but we will achieve very little if our good intentions don’t match the nature of the things that we are trying to build, and if our actions don’t follow our intentions. It’s in the big things but it’s also in the details—how we see each other, and how we treat each other—, which influence the dynamics of everyday life in our shared spaces. The way we negotiate how much we are willing to give, and how much we are willing to lose, who is willing to compromise, and give up some of their resources, in the name of others. Communicating for resolve, and not for conflict, being open about what works and what doesn’t work, standing strong on your ground of what you think is fair, and being open to being wrong, or recognising that not all disagreements will have a clear answer. Dealing with different ways of expressing ideas and thoughts, respecting that some people need more space than others. Acknowledging each other’s hard work. Being less judgemental, more patient in figuring out other people’s boundaries, and being mutually open to negotiate them. I don’t believe in good or bad matches, I think that anything is possible, as long we want to see it work out.

I am very people-centred, I care about the connections we make the most, but the thing I loved the most about being here was watching how us, as students, and the Founding Lab team, adapted to each other. How the Austrian punctuality made room for other approaches to being on time, and the students who were late at first made the effort to leave the dorm a bit earlier. The team’s commitment to being transparent about the limitations, and what were the things that mattered the most. It wasn’t all perfect, but it was sufficient, and it filled me with the right kind of hope. As such, I wholeheartedly believe that there is a way for all of the challenging things that we want to work on from now on. Let’s be even more specific, ten years from now, in the Summer of 2033, I want to be able to look back to this exact moment, the Founding Lab, and have the clarity of a decade to be so glad that I came, and proud of the things that will come to exist because we have come together. Some results will take longer than that, some experiments will fail, not all strategies will thrive, but I hope that, as founders, we will be patient, without losing our passion, and the hope that the things that we want to build will be possible one day because, today, we have chosen to sit and listen, and act.

Sparks

7 July, 2023 — 2 Comments

in honour of Taylor’s Version of “Speak Now” coming out today.

I started a playlist the day we got together for the first time. We had just met the day before. I had known who you were for maybe three weeks, but I had not given myself the space to think or feel anything besides curiosity, and attraction to how pretty your smile was. From afar, you were like a picture-perfect image of something I might as well have imagined while drawing plots of love stories I could be a character in. It seemed so out of my reach, though – until that night when we walked back together after class, and found out we were neighbours. I saw sparks fly all the way home and, as I went upstairs, I called my best friend, and told her that I thought you had seen them, too.

To be honest, at that point, I don’t think I could fathom the thought that you hadn’t felt something as well. My brain was moving faster than the speed of sound, supersonically connecting dots until I could convince myself to fall asleep — which I didn’t, by the way. I navigated that day on a 2-hour nap, trying not to pay attention to you in the classroom, unaware that I was on my way to another sleepless night. We talked until dawn like it was the easiest thing in the world. You told me we should dive into one another, I told you “let’s fall slowly.” I was holding you close, with your head on my chest, and I loved how it felt. I didn’t want to rush it, and ruin it. I wanted the slow burn, I wanted to take my time, I swear to God I did, but I gave into hurry too easily, and it was all Taylor Swift’s fault, when I listened to “Snow on the Beach”, a few hours after we parted ways. It came out last year just a few days before I got my heart broken for the first time in years. I was so upset by all the frustrated expectations I allowed myself to nurture, and the song became a symbol of all the things it seemed that I couldn’t have at the time – someone that I wanted, wanting me just the same. But it happened to you, somehow. It had felt so impossible, and, on my way back home, later that day, I think I could barely believe it was really happening. So I made that playlist. 

And it would have been an okay thing for starters, but I kept adding other songs to it, I kept having ideas about what you could mean to me. That’s when it got out of control. Those songs became projections of who I wanted you to be – but I barely knew who you were! I don’t want to ask you yet, but I wonder if you could tell, during those first few weeks, that I was not taking it slow, like I had said we should, like I had asked you to do. I was much more eagerly looking forward to my imaginary plot, but these first few weeks were not like the perfect beginning I had envisioned, and you didn’t play along the lines of my story, and I panicked when I couldn’t read you as easily as I thought I would. I kept listening to those songs, and thinking of made-up memories of times I expected we would come to live together, and I got increasingly frustrated with how slowly time was moving. And you weren’t every single definition of the person I had imagined you would be — and I was convinced you had to be like that, because the person in my imagination would never break my heart, and I couldn’t stand the thought of getting hurt again. 

I’m glad I took the wise advice of the people around me, aware of my anxious habits, who care to let me know when I’m about to let the voices in my head break apart something that could be good, just because I have no chill. I was so infatuated, and so, so scared, with a tempestuous mind that pours down like a cloudburst. But you made your way, through the lightning and thunder, and you met me there. Doing your best, and being so kind to me, with your peaceful, steady voice, you helped me weather through the storm in my head. And, as the sense of urgency stopped pounding, and I could breathe properly, I could finally appreciate how the appropriate measure of the time we had spent together could be enough for the day. 

Today, when you texted me in the morning, I felt a shift that I hadn’t known in a long time – when an infatuation turns into a little seed of a feeling. It felt good. Without the magnifying glass of anxiety, I can feel everything more clearly, including the pleasure of realising a picture of you, but also how I honestly still feel so scared. I have no idea how you feel, even though I can tell that you like me, and that you respect me, and that you think about me when we’re not together (which is a silly thought, but one that means a lot to me). Honestly, I don’t want to say it out loud yet, but I do think I could love you, but I know there’s a lot of waves I must sail through first – because, if this seed grows into love, I want to love you and who you are, and I don’t think I’ve seen enough of you to get there. I’m scared but I want you to see me, too, and I want you to feel like you could love me, too. I overthink too much, but I’m aware of the mess, and I hope you can see through the cloudy skies when I’m gloomy and struggling to find the right words. Gosh, I still feel so silly around you, so worried about impressing you, wondering what you think of everything. I am still learning to read you, and trust you.

That playlist I started on day 1 looks much smaller now, which is only fitting for what this little time represents. It’s short, but it’s meaningful, because it doesn’t stem from my ideas of who you should be, but from the things I got to see, hear and touch with my own eyes, ears, hands and lips. The thoughts in my head spiral out of control with ease, but the feelings all through my body will keep my cool for the whole of us (I mean, all the different parts of me). But I feel safe, like I can finally take a small step back, and let it be. There are no guarantees, there is no assurance that things will end well, and that none of us will leave with a broken heart, but I feel less and less concerned about how it will end, and more and more appreciative of today, the time we get to spend together, the memories I get to keep – the way you laugh when we’re talking about something stupid, or the way you look when you open the door for me to walk in, and the fact that you care that I like it when you hug me, even though I don’t like hugs. I think I’m falling for you, so things are, indeed, going according to plan.

Photo by Michael Behrens on Unsplash

The Cognitive Role of Fan Songs in K-pop Fandom

15 June, 2023 — Leave a comment

Abstract: This review examines how studies on cognitive and emotional responses to music, particularly those related to social bonding, can shed light on the function of fan-dedicated songs within global K-pop fandoms. By analysing five recent studies on the social and affective dimensions of music in the brain, the paper argues that fan songs play a crucial role in maintaining group cohesion across the diverse and expansive communities that constitute contemporary K-pop fandom. The discussion underscores the significance of intentionality and source-sensitivity in these musical interactions, suggesting avenues for future research into the role of songs in music fandom.

Keywords: K-pop fandom, fan songs, cognitive responses to music, emotional responses, social bonding, group cohesion, intentionality in music, source-sensitivity, music fandom studies, social and affective neuroscience.

NOTE: This was written as a term paper for a course I took at KAIST CT during Spring 2023, GCT563 Cognitive Science of Music (음악 인지과학) with Professor Kyung Myun Lee from the Music and Brain Lab. It turned out a lot more social than cognitive, but I still managed to finish this course with an A+.

Outline

  1. Introduction (go)
  2. Variables in Music Fandom Studies (go)
  3. Songs in K-pop Fandom (go)
  4. Intentionality and Source-sensitivity (go)
  5. Conclusion (go)
  6. References (go)

Introduction

This review investigates whether studies on cognitive responses to music, especially emotional responses, and the suggested roles of music in social bonding can provide insight into the role that songs play in music fandom, particularly global K-pop fandom. The driving premise is focused on the specific role played by fan songs — the songs that are specially dedicated to the fans. Through the analysis of five recent studies on different social and affective dimensions of music in the brain, I argue that, in the complex structure of K-pop fandom, fan songs are one of the fundamental elements of the maintenance of group cohesion across the large, diverse communities that make up contemporary fan communities of Korean idol music. By drawing theorisations, the goal is to point towards future research on the topic of the role of songs in music fandom.

Variables in Music Fandom Studies 

Fandom studies scholar Matt Hills calls “discursive mantra” the discourse that fans employ to justify their passions and attachments — in his own words, an attempt to “ward off the sense that the fan is ‘irrational’.” In his book “Fan Cultures” (2002), when discussing how fans react when questioned about their attachment to particular texts, he recommends that the justifications that fans offer for their attachment aren’t taken at face value (in context, he refers especially to those conducting ethnographic research on fandom). He claims that the reason multiple fans of the same text would provide similar answers when questioned is more a question of the construction of their own fandom discourse, than a question of how they have made sense of their fandom experience for themselves. 

Hill’s recommendation to fan ethnographers highlights one of the difficult aspects of assessing the reasons for fan attachment through strictly qualitative approaches. Multiple studies of the sort have been conducted; in music fandom, for example, a study published in 2019 in the Journal of Consumer Behavior conducted in-depth interviews with long-term music fans in France and Belgium, to retrieve patterns and categories that explained different types of interactions and mode of engagement of fans with their favourite musicians (Derbaix & Korchia, 2019). But, if we consider Hills’s position that personal statements from fans should be approached with extra care, it’s important to consider other studies employing different types of data and methods to gain more qualified insight into the dynamics of attachment, and how music fans interact with their texts in fandom. To begin this review, I refer to a representative study that successfully employs large samples of subjects, and quantitative methods, to assess fandom affiliation in music fandom, by Greenberg et al (2021). With a combined number of over 85,000 subjects, they found that people tend to prefer the work of musicians whose public personas are similar to their own personality traits, which they call “the self-congruity effect of music”. 

Greenberg et al (2021) conducted three studies (N = 6,279 + N = 75,296 + N = 4,995) to assess the degree of correlation between fans and their personality, and the personality and work of their favourite artists, according to the Big Five personality traits — agreeableness, openness, conscientiousness, neuroticism and extraversion (Goldberg, 1992) —, whose high correlation with preferences for musical features, genres and styles had been demonstrated in prior research (p. 1). In Study 2, the team used a combination of LDA, PCA and ridge regression model to extract personality traits from the artists, according to the lyrics of their 10 most popular songs. They found a high correlation between certain personality traits found in their fans, and the personality of artists that were learned from songs. 

In Study 3, they employed the ESSENTIA software library to extract high-level music features (such as happy or relaxing), and low-level audio features (such as loudness or speed) from popular songs of the same artists. From participants, they assessed their musical preferences by having them listen to 15 music excerpts (15s each) by largely unknown musicians, and registering their opinions and preferences related to those excerpts. The features extracted from the songs, and the participants preferences, were aligned to the dimensions of arousal, valence and depth. They found that the fit between the depth level of an artist’s work and the general preference of the participant for depth-related features was a “highly significant predictor” of the participant’s liking of the artist’s music (p. 9). Taken together, the results show that musical preferences can be predicted with similar accuracy by a match between the participant’s personality and the persona of the musician, demographics and preference for certain music features. 

The authors take these findings to be robust evidence for the self-congruity effect of music. They theorise three mechanisms that might be behind this phenomenon, and two are relevant to this review. First, the possibility that people do seek out the work of musicians with similar characteristics to themselves, which might also follow that, in choosing to like a particular artist, people are after the possibility of connecting to other like-minded people. Second, and conversely, affiliation to an artist’s social following, and listening to their music (considering both lyrics and musical features) might also affect the individual’s personality over time — theorising that people might, indeed, become fans of certain artists for reasons that are not related to personality traits, but socialising into their fan culture might create room for their personality to align to those around them. 

The findings of Greenberg et al (2021) are aligned with a large body of research in the social dimensions of music, approaching the reasons why music is made, shared, appreciated and celebrated in human societies, both from endogenous and exogenous perspectives. Taken together, these studies offer some insight into more nuanced, case-specific aspects of the role that music plays within social groups, especially in the case of music fandom, where it is meant to be the central text of the bonding, along with the musicians that make/perform it. Based on this study, we will assume that, from a music preference perspective, within a certain fandom, certain personality traits are expected to be shared by most of the fans, owing both to processes of homophilic-oriented bonding and group assimilation. In that sense, we consider the specific songs produced by an artist both as an element to bring people together (at a first encounter), and as an element that brings people closer, while creating/maintaining some level of cohesion within said fan community. 

Songs in K-pop Fandom

One of the aspects that makes the idol fandom unlike other fan experiences is the intentional creation of a transmedia alternate universe, which creates the illusion of a world of intimacy between an idol of their fans. Galbraith (2012) borrows from John Fiske and describes this world of intimacy as “inescapable intertextuality” (2012, p. 186), a realm in which all parts of the narrative point back to one another. Throughout the wide variety of contents that idols produce for their fans, the same story is told using various media outlets, such as variety shows, live broadcasts, concerts, backstage clips, vlogs, daily pictures and updates shared in social media — but, most importantly, through their music.

The uniqueness to participatory culture in idol fandom has been discussed by many authors, who have focused on different aspects of the architecture of this alternate reality. For instance, in K-pop, there is an emphasis on the fact that fans are also expected to play a role in performance, through fanchants and lightsticks and banner events, to the extent that Jungwon Kim (2017) argues that K-pop can be understood as an action, rather than simply as a cultural product, because of the participatory nature of performance. She proposed the idea of K-pop as a verb, and coined “K-popping”, based on Christopher Small’s idea of “musicking”:

To music is to take part, in any capacity, in a musical performance. That means not only to perform but also to listen, […] or to take part in any activity that can affect the nature of that style of human encounter which is a musical performance (1999, p. 12)

Specifically about the songs, this emphasis on the joint performance that fans are expected to carry out results in a stronger emphasis placed on memorising lyrics, along with their fanchants. In this sense, Kim (2017) says that the structure of K-pop music is characterised by repetition, which not only makes the songs catchier, and more appealing to the public, but also makes it easier for fans to remember and sing along. Even so, hook-based danceable songs aren’t the only type of music released by K-pop idols, whose albums include a variety of genres, such as hip hop, r&b and slow ballads, resulting from the process of hybridisation that Western and Asian genres that is said to characterise K-pop (pp 19-22). 

The perceived simplicity of lyrics attributed to the hook-based pop tunes, which are the main drive of K-pop, doesn’t completely deplete the significance of what K-pop stars sing about. In that sense, we have two approaches; firstly, as noticed by Jin and Ryoo (2014), in their analysis of Girls’ Generation’s “Gee” and Kara’s “Jumping” (released in 2009 and 2010, respectively), pop lyrics in Korean idol music portray “the secularism of modernity” (commercialism and individualism) (pp 126-27). On the other hand, one of the biggest changes brought forth by BTS’s unprecedented global popularity was a stronger importance placed on K-pop groups having songs with meaningful lyrics. Both global media and BTS fans have often emphasised the relevance of their lyricism to their popularity — for example, in a 2018 article written by Tamar Herman for Billboard, “[K-pop] songs typically revolve around romance, partying and, on occasion, friendship and daily life.” BTS is presented as being a counterpoint — “the group manages to frequently reference the struggles that young people go through and draw on their own experiences within South Korean youth culture.” She also goes on to highlight that “many of BTS’s fans (…) have said that the boy band’s lyrics have inspired them”, because “Many of BTS’ songs are rife with meaning” (2018).

On the role played by lyrics in the experience of musical pleasure, Nummenmaa et al (2021) mention that the high popularity of vocal music, as opposed to instrumental music, might be explained by the ability that vocals have of communicating emotional states more effectively, as well as from the idea of ‘social stimulation’ evoked by text content (which they extent from literature into music). As they mention, such extension is validated by large-scale analysis which suggest a close link between the emotional meanings of lyrics, and the emotional load of musical features, such as major/minor chords (p 198).  

Going beyond the craving for social communication, Nummenmaa et al (2021) also discuss the role of lyrics in how music pieces activate autobiographical memories. This autobiographical element is central to the music appreciation framework brought forth by Thompson et al (2023). In their paper, they describe the central hypothesis of their framework as follows:

Three forms of music appreciation have been identified that may occur simultaneously with varying degrees of prominence: one form involves perceiving and internalizing musical structure; another involves activating networks of personal significance, identity, and autobiographical memories; a third—called source sensitivity—involves identifying and engaging with the causes and contexts of music making, including the personal attributes of musicians, and the sociopolitical, historical, and cultural contexts of music-making. (2023, p. 261, emphasis added)

According to the authors, autobiographical experiences and identity affirmation are forms of appreciation that arise from personal, self-oriented associations, as opposed to forms that arise from structural characteristics of the music (the musical features), and what they call “source sensitivity,” the appreciation that stems from contextual cognition of musical sources. The interplay between these self-oriented and source-oriented forms of appreciation can be well-exemplified, in the K-pop context, by “fan songs,” “idol’s sweet serenade dedicated to their fans” (Kim, 2019). These songs have been part of the K-pop landscape for a long time – for example, SHINee’s song titled “The SHINee World (Doo-bop)” (a reference to the complete name of their fandom, shawols — short for “SHINee world”) was a part of their first album, released in 2008. VIXX (2012) and Seventeen (2015) also had special fan songs in their debut releases — “Starlight,” a b-side in VIXX’s first single album “SUPER HERO”, and “Shining Diamond” in Seventeen’s first mini-album “17 Carat.” Another important aspect is that these fan songs aren’t a one-time event — some groups would go as far as release one special fan song with every mini-album/album. 

Much like what Thompson et al (2023) call “Couple-defining songs,” these fan songs trigger positive memories, specifically associated to the perceived relationship between artists and fans, reinforcing and maintaining the feelings of intimacy and cohesion within the relationship (p. 266). Over the years, these songs become triggers for shared memories; in his large-scale review of BTS’s entire discography, Kim Youngdae (2019) describes “2! 3!,” the special fan song in their 2016 ‘Wings’ album, as “one of the best songs of the album, which is both unusual and meaningful [for a song dedicated to fans]” (p. 138). He highlights the lyrics which say “In the shadow behind the stage // I didn’t wanna show you all the pain in the darkness”, to highlight the central message of the song — “Bad memories will be forgotten and only good days are ahead of us.” A connection is intentionally established between the heartwarming song, and the journey that has brought fans and artists until this point, linking their victory over past hardships, and present success, to the support of their fans. 

These associations between songs and intimate memories, in the context of the parasocial relationship between idols and fans, sit right at the intersection between self-oriented and source-oriented music appreciation, to the extent that the special personal association fans collectively have to that song is a consequence of the “detailed knowledge of the causal and contextual sources surrounding these songs” (Thompson et al, 2023, p. 266). In other words, the fact that fans know the song was written for them, or about them, or that it was dedicated to them. In his review of BTS’s 2018 album ‘Love Yourself: Tear,’ Kim (2019) describes “Magic Shop,” the special fan song of the album, as “the obvious choice for best track”, to the extent that it elevates “the tight bond between BTS and their fans to a whole new dimension”, due to the “warm sentimentality” and “impeccable quality of songwriting” (p. 198-99). 

Intentionality and Source-sensitivity

In an interview with Time Magazine, published in June, 2017, RM, leader of K-pop group BTS, said that he believed the reason why BTS had built such a massive following online was because of their dedication to communicating with their fans through social media. He specifically mentioned his own music-sharing habit, using the hashtag #RMusic, to introduce or recommend songs he liked, and then went on to say “Music transcends language.”

The idea that music is “the universal language of mankind,” expressed in RM’s saying, has been around at least since the 19th century. In their research article about universality and diversity in music, Mehr et al (2019) mention that this idea, albeit regarded as “conventional wisdom,” is very hard to prove — few, if any, universals exist in music. 

Even so, their study found that societies’ musical behaviours are mostly similar, and the differences within a society are greater than the differences between societies. For example, all societies considered have songs that are calming (exemplified by lullabies), songs that are exciting (such as dance tunes), and songs that are inspiring (like prayers). After running a test with almost 30,000 subjects, to see if people could accurately identify the category of a song from contextual cues, they found the highest accuracy for dance songs, followed by lullabies, healing songs, and love songs (despite being the lowest, the rate was still higher than chance) (p. 8). 

These results are a good indicator of the reason why, in spite of the vagueness behind the idea of music as some sort of “universal language,” it still has enough universalities to make it a powerful communication tool, particularly in the context being considered, which is songs written by artists specifically to address their fans. Even more specifically in the context of K-pop for global audiences, with the language barrier that exists between Korean artists and their international fans. 

As Thompson et al (2023) put it, behind the idea of source-sensitivity, there is an important layer of intentionality (on the performer’s end). In that sense, as one of the most straightforward, non-ambiguous channels of communication between artists and fandom, we can argue that fan songs are an important tool to help create the world of intimacy between artist and fans, to the extent that it can be used as a tool to achieve group cohesion. From existing literature, this idea of group cohesion can be considered from two perspectives; one, which has been discussed already, as demonstrated by Greenberg et al (2021), is through the values and personality traits communicated by artists through their persona and lyrics. 

However, when bringing forth their Music as Social Bonding (MSB) Theory, Savage et al (2021) discuss the role of music in promoting social cohesion from the observed effects on the brain. In the idea that social bonding is the “ultimate, functional explanation of the evolution of musicality” (p. 14), the study proposes specific hypotheses about neurological proximate mechanisms related to the social effects of music. The authors describe a cycle in which learning to predict musical features activates the brain’s reward system, and synchronises brain activity between people, creating a “neural resonance” that facilitates social bonding. This bonding is thought to be due to “facilitates social bonding through shared experience, joint intentionality, and “self-other merging”” that occurs when people listen to music together. Additionally, the rewarding experience of listening to music may be associated with specific individuals, as co-experiencers (Savage et al, 2021). In that sense, the paper supports the idea that, while musicality did not necessarily originate as a biological adaptation for social bonding, musical abilities might have evolved due to how musical behaviours helped signal decisions to socialise and cooperate (pp 20-21). 

This is in line with what is concluded by Nummenmaa et al (2021) — that one of the reasons why music is so rewarding is how it’s linked with interpersonal synchrony and affiliation, which signalise its role in human sociability (p. 200). In their paper, they describe the “neural resonance” as a trick of “simulated synchrony,” giving the illusion of being in sync with other people, which, associated to opioid release, promote the feeling of social contact (and are also known to elevate pain thresholds, as noted by Savage et al (2021)). 

It is important not to forget that these neurobiological mechanisms are simply another side of the social mechanisms being described so far. Nummenmaa et al (2021) mention studies that have found that, the more emotionally salient the autobiographical memories recalled when listening to music, the more activity was seen in the mPFC, the brain region that is involved in social cognition (p. 199). This system is believed to be centrally involved in social bonding through the connecting role of retrieving and sharing personal memories, another evidence suggesting how music and lyrics support social attachment functions (2021). 

Conclusion

Five studies on the role of music in social bonding were analysed in this review. By focusing on fan songs, we were able to consider their effect on what fans think about themselves as members of their fan community, and what they think about their own idols. We found indicators that these songs might serve as important communication tools between an artist and their fans, creating and maintaining intra-group cohesion. This can be done by attracting certain types of people through value-signalling, and by inducing changes in the members themselves through processes of group assimilation.

This review also showed opportunities for future research. For example, future studies could measure different brain responses of fans to specific songs according to how they are categorised in the artist’s discography. This would include not only fan songs, but also the distinction between title tracks and B-sides. There is also some opportunity to study the extent to which lyrics of fan songs influence the social imagination and the lexicon of fans as members of their fan communities. Another possibility is a study analysing different samples of fan songs, testing for musical features and lyrics, controlling for fandom size. This would look for patterns that might be more predictive of efficient communication of intention between artists and fans. A final point, which was only superficially explored in this review, is the aspect of language in K-pop fandom. This includes the role of translation, more specifically the work of fan translators, in helping manage the collective understanding of messages shared through lyrics in the context of global fandom.

Overall, this review shows that studies in cognitive musicology offer rich insight into the specific functions that songs can play inside music fandom. In the context of fandom studies, which has been mostly ethnography-driven over the years, we provide directions that could take studies on the dynamics of fan attachment beyond self-reported fan perceptions. This is based on the well-established cognitive understanding of how music affects the brain, or at least, evidence-abundant suggestions of how music influences social bonding.

References

Derbaix, Maud & Korchia, Michaël. (2019). Individual celebration of pop music icons: A study of music fans relationships with their object of fandom and associated practices. Journal of Consumer Behaviour. 18. 10.1002/cb.1751.

Fiske, John. 1992. “The Cultural Economy of Fandom.” In The Adoring Audience: Fan Culture and Popular Media, edited by Lisa A. Lewis, 256. New York: Routledge.

Galbraith, P. W. (2016). “The Labor of Love: On the Convergence of Fan and Corporate Interests in Contemporary Idol Culture in Japan”. In Media Convergence in Japan, edited by Patrick W. Galbraith and Jason G. Karlin: 232-64. Tokyo: Kinema Club. 

Greenberg, D. M., Matz, S. C., Schwartz, H. A., & Fricke, K. R. (2021). The self-congruity effect of music. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 121(1), 137–150. https://doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000293 

Hills, Matt. Fan Cultures. London: Routledge, 2002.

Jin, Dal Yong, and Woongjae Ryoo. 2014. “Critical Interpretation of Hybrid K-Pop: The Global-Local Paradigm of English Mixing in Lyrics.” Popular Music and Society 37 (2): 113–31.

Kim, J. (2017). K- Popping: Korean Women, K-Pop, and Fandom. UC Riverside. 

Kim, Youngdae. 2019. BTS The Review: A Comprehensive Look at the Music of BTS. First Edition. Seoul: RH Korea Co., Ltd. 

Mehr, S. A., Singh, M., Knox, D., Ketter, D. M., Pickens-Jones, D., Atwood, S., … & Glowacki, L. (2019). Universality and diversity in human song. Science, 366(6468), eaax0868.

Nummenmaa, Lauri & Vesa, Putkinen & Sams, Mikko. (2021). Social pleasures of music. Current Opinion in Behavioral Sciences. 39. 196-202. 10.1016/j.cobeha.2021.03.026.

Savage, P. E., Loui, P., Tarr, B., Schachner, A., Glowacki, L., Mithen, S., & Fitch, W. T. (2021). Music as a coevolved system for social bonding. Behavioral and Brain Sciences, 44.

Small, C. (1999). “Musicking — the meanings of performing and listening.” A lecture, Music Education Research, 1:1, 9-22, DOI: 10.1080/1461380990010102

Thompson, W. F., Bullot, N. J., & Margulis, E. H. (2023). The psychological basis of music appreciation: Structure, self, source. Psychological Review, 130(1), 260–284.

News Articles:

Bruner, R. (2017, June 28). Rap Monster of Breakout K-Pop Band BTS on Fans, Fame and Viral Popularity. Time. https://time.com/4833807/rap-monster-bts-interview/ 

Herman, T. (2018, May 7). BTS’ Most Political Lyrics: A Guide to Their Social Commentary on South Korean Society. Billboard. Billboard.
https://www.billboard.com/music/music-news/bts-lyrics-social-commentary-political-8098832/ 

Photo by Anthony DELANOIX on Unsplash

“30 of 28”, or “the life I never knew I’d have”

28 March, 2023 — Leave a comment

Versão em Português.

10 years ago, a month after turning 18 years of age, I published a text on this blog, called “‘30 of 18’, or ‘why I’m disappointed with myself’” (not translated). It’s a frustrated account of everything I expected to become before I turned 18, and how I felt at the time about not having accomplished any of that. I’m pretty sure I had just watched a clip of a brilliant young boy, around 13 years of age, which reminded me that I was no longer a teenager, too much of a grown up to keep sustaining my single personality trait as a try-hard brilliant young girl.

My belated 28th birthday playlist.

I cringe with profound embarrassment whenever I reread that text — not without feeling some compassion for 18-year-and-1-month-old Luisa, who still felt extremely lonely, lost and misunderstood most of the time. And I admit that I find the “response” I wrote four years later, “‘30 of 22’, or ‘why I am no longer disappointed with myself’”, even worse. 18-year-old Luisa wrote with the heartfelt frustration of someone whose dreams and plans had all failed, but 22-year-old Luisa wrote with the confidence of someone who thought she’d just cornered the Lord, and snatched from His hands the textbook of Eternity. The Luisa of early 2017 would go on to have a meltdown once she learned that all of that confidence about the future that had been holding her together would also break apart. Even worse — six years later, we are still working to erase the remains of all the hurt we got from the future we thought we were building and working towards. 

It was only recently — literally a few weeks ago — that the penny dropped: all of these years, I had been going on as if I was living the wrong life, completely incapable of truly embracing the life I had been given, the life that I hadn’t anticipated, that I hadn’t expected to get. It was a difficult conclusion to get to, but surprisingly easy to forgive. I look around, and I get it; I get it that people might simply find themselves stuck in ideal ideas about life, about others, about everything, because time goes by so quickly, and we can’t afford to pay attention to every single corner of our cortex, and it’s precisely in these little dark corners that dangerous thoughts take root and grow quietly. No amount of coaches, therapists, counsellors, assistants, juice-cleanse-influencers and all would be enough to handle all of the hidden, unseen depths of one’s soul. Getting lost in yourself is so, so easy. 

I came across a funny little sentence a few weeks ago, as I read a paper — “One might hope that 20 years of research would enhance the credibility of some theories and reduce that of others. But this does not seem to have happened”[1]. I giggled, thinking about everything I thought I would have learned by the time I turned 28. One might have hoped that 10 years of adult life would have helped me figure out my biggest issues, but that doesn’t seem to have happened. On the contrary, I seem to have gotten myself plenty of new challenges — the unseens depths, you know. Life kept happening even as I tried to clean the house; the wind brought dust through the cracks, the soles of my shoes are full of mud, the clothes I put on and take off cover the ground in feathers, and rain comes in through the window if I leave it open by accident. 

One of the few remaining pictures of my 18th birthday party, in the 24-hour study room of the Architecture building (RIP my hacked Facebook account) + the only picture I have from my 22nd birthday, having dinner with my family, from my sister’s instagram stories + a picture of the little celebration I got at KAIST Church, the Sunday after my birthday. The most important thing about these pictures is that, on the first and second ones, I could still eat gluten; on the third one, my lovely friends got me rice flour scones to wish me a happy birthday.

The biggest challenge, as I turn 28, is reconciling the different parts of me. It’s sure to be a long way, but I can’t afford not to believe that, one day, all of my thoughts, feelings and actions can get as close as possible to coming together in here, now. Though I must say, reflecting about the person I am today is quite amusing, especially considering how both Luisas — the 18-year-old one, and the 22-year old one — would have never imagined that, in the month of March when we turned 28, instead of the rainy end of Summer, we witnessed as Winter turned into a beautiful, albeit cold, early Spring, covered in cherry blossoms. I feel particularly about the me of ten years ago, who thought her time to go live out her dreams was already up (how innocent), because she would be the most surprised about what we do these days. Even so, accomplishing dreams and feeling successful is not what this text is about — achievements would be too shallow of a measure of everything that changed within me throughout this decade. Being human is something of a loud, dramatic experience of living every single day for the first, last, only time, and amassing way too many years before you can tell how many are too many, or too little. Wherever I turned out to be, in this big year of 2023, the only thing I would have liked to have accomplished would have been the same heart, going after the same things, pursuing the same goals.

There’s this thought that has the power of eating up all of my energy to keep going, which is the idea of how many more frustrations still remain for me to endure, as I keep walking down my path. Wondering if there’s another pandemic coming, or one more great war, or if technology will have finally gone too far, and contemporary society will finally self-implode, just as I was trying to find the perfect work-life balance. You never can tell. The only medicine seems to be a resolution to live slow and steady. Figuring out how to get my head somewhere I can make plans without trying to outsmart God, and how to find myself across the multiple juxtapositions of time and space that have made me who I am, with the assurance that there’s still a great deal of change awaiting. That’s all I can do — trying to live wisely, working, little by little, towards eventually getting there, sooner or later. I want to find contentment that doesn’t depend on the illusion of having control over my fate. I want to live with a little more peace today.

My official song for this birthday. There’s a lot of longing, but some good hope, going around these days.

[1] One might hope that 20 years of research would enhance the credibility of some theories and reduce that of others. But this does not seem to have happened, partly for a reason rarely discussed: researchers regularly describe their conclusions in terms too vague to be very useful. (p. 30).

Burstein, P. (2003). The Impact of Public Opinion on Public Policy: A Review and an Agenda. Political Research Quarterly, 56(1), 29–40. https://doi.org/10.2307/3219881

Photo by Carolina on Unsplash